The first time that I ever heard the term, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, and what it meant, I gasped! It is two friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. Here I thought, Booty Call, Hooking Up and Hanging Out (an equivalent of a date) was bad, but this one takes the cake!
Just what would possess two friends to want to be physically intimate with no emotional connection or even a commitment to one another? The term, itself, sounded to me like a disaster relief insurance benefit for totally confused and afraid-of-commitment individuals. Why? Knowing what I know and also teach about the nature-based & biological differences between men and women, I can understand how the guy would benefit, but not the girl.
A man can have sex for just sexual gratification alone, no emotional connection involved, but certainly not a woman! The human female is biologically and innately designed as an extremely emotional being! Females are first and foremost bonding emotional beings. Why? Mainly because their highly tuned emotions allow them to intuitively understand as well as verbally communicate with their offspring’s, especially while the children are toddlers. The human infant completely relies on the emotions that are expressed by the mother for all communicating purposes. The next time you think of a woman as, HIGHLY EMOTIONAL, think about that for a moment.
On the other hand, the human male is an autonomous sexual being who is biologically as well as innately designed to need sex. His brain is hard-wired that way in order to ensure that he would produce offsprings. But the female brain is hard-wired differently. Her brain is telling her to bond with the guy which makes her relationship ready in a heartbeat. Nature could care less if their just friends!
How does this occur so soon? The female brain produces a hormone called, Oxytocin, a brain chemical which is a bonding drug and is commonly referred to as, The Love Drug. Males produce the bonding chemical as well, but during sex, their testosterone levels rise significantly and this blocks the chemical so that males don’t bond. Yet, the female brain automatically starts to produce above average amounts of oxytocin through physical intimacy. With her oxytocin levels elevating dramatically it causing her to emotionally bond significantly with her partner. This rise in oxytocin will last from one to two years and sometimes even longer.
This is nature’s way of ensuring that she will stay with her partner long enough to bear his offspring’s as well as be provided for and protected. This is why women prefer a man who can provide and protect, regardless of how financially successful they are themselves. Unfortunately, oxytocin is also the reason why women stay in abusive relationships.
Unlike a man, a woman’s brain is not hard-wired for the need for sex. For a woman, sex and mating are intertwined. This is the main reason why women think and especially younger women, that sex with her partner will make him feel the need to bond and mate the same as her. This is only female perception. Men don’t bond nor feel the need to mate the same as women do when it comes to sex. Why do you think women are so famous for initiating, The Talk!
So the answer to whether a woman would benefit in a non-relationship? Absolutely not! There is no benefit for her at all. Also, men are fixed-in-nature where women are innately changeable. This means that he won’t change what is benefiting him, but for the woman who soon finds herself emotionally involved will want the non-relationship to change to a committed one.
Yet, the biggest problem with, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, has to do with the very fact that men are by nature, Transaction Relational while women are Unconditional Relational. Why is this a major problem? A man mainly values what he earns and in a non-relationship nothing was earned. Therefore, he wouldn’t think to commit to a partner that he didn’t earn. But since a woman is uncompromising in matters pertaining to a serious relationship, she would expect him to do so if that’s what she wanted. As you can see the benefit for her turns out to be absolutely nothing.
Like, Speed Dating, Coffee Dates, Booty Calls, Hooking Up and Hanging Out, all invented by men, the concept of physically intimate non-relationship friends is also only for men. So, I wouldn’t call it, Friends with Benefits, I’d call it, Friends with Male Benefits!